You know what would be cool? A sustainable amount of work. You know, maybe from one of the 100 résumés I’ve sent out over the last 2 1/2 months. (But who’s counting?)
Am I really wrong for every job I’ve applied for?
Then what am I right for?
All I want is to relax.
To feel settled.
To have a stable amount of work that I don’t hate–I’m not even saying “like,” just “don’t hate”!–and my own space where my suitcases aren’t in constant view and my clothes are in a closet.
I don’t think that’s asking a lot.
I’m happy I came and I want to be here; I’m just exhausted. Constantly looking, and not just for work, but a place to live, friends, interesting activities, where to get off on the bus (because they will only stop when you tell them to), how to put your bus pass in the reader lest it eat $44 of your money with no real recourse to recoup it (hello, last night!)…is tiring.
And I feel like I’ve been doing a bunch of the wrong thing, but don’t know what the right thing is. I don’t know where else I should be looking. Who else I should be talking to. What random side street I should be wandering down.
It’s hard enough to be an expat and miss kettle chips and kombucha and good/cheap Mexican food and driving and Sprouts and my bathroom and Hotel Café and Mendocino Farms and summer in June and peaches without fearing the very real possibility that you will be reunited with them all a lot sooner than you’d like.
I haven’t hit the wall yet–but I see it. It’s not far off.
I want things to work out. I hope they do. I’d like to believe they will.
But I’ve been wrong about things that I’ve cared about and wanted before.
And I only have so many resources, both financial and emotional, there’s only so much longer I can be here without something big happening.
If something’s gonna happen for me here, I need it happen now.
And if this Old Testament amount of rain that’s been dumping down over the past some odd days could abate, that would also be helpful.
The American Girl Following Her Dream