A letter to myself at 4 weeks, 4 days

It’s normal, you know. This feeling. You’ve replaced your memories of Vancouver with the  after, but the before is still in there. You know that you did this before. So you know that this–this mile-a-minute mental marathon, this forgetting to eat, this sense of percolation–this is normal. And it’s a part of the process.

You knew one day that it was going to start hitting you.

So it was today.
The day after you got your taxes done (just hoping to break even, then getting a refund), driving down La Brea, somewhere between the cheap gas station and the notary/barber shop. It could have just as well been anywhere else.

It was going to happen.

And so the feeling lingered.
So you were “freaking out.”

It was going to happen.

It’s normal, you know.

This is the biggest decision you have ever made in your life. Did you really think it was only going to be mental? That’s not how bodies work. That’s not how you work. You know that. Just like you know to breathe. And then breathe. And then breathe some more.

You have your worries, as anyone would, but you don’t doubt for a second that you are doing the right thing. You remember the 6 impossible things before breakfast that brought you to this point. You smile because you know this is what fate feels like.

So of course you’re tingling. Of course there are butterflies. There were and there will be. Every time you walk into who you are.

Movement is life. Stillness is death.
And you are more alive than you have ever been.

So feel what you feel, all the way. Abandon yourself to it.

Then breathe and smile because you know: it’s normal.

About J.

A former twentysomething with a head full of curls and heart full of questions wondering: when we get to nirvana, will there be food?
This entry was posted in Australia Files, Moving Files and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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