‎”Aww, look how white you are! You’re like a Klan rally.”–Actual statement I just made to a dress I took out of the dryer.

Me: I made this [mango-peach crisp thing] AND Basketball Wives is on! 😀
My mother: Why are you so excited Basketball Wives is on? I thought you didn’t watch it.
Me: Oh, don’t think I’m a better person than I am.

In a conversation on how people should be ugly or fat for some portion of their life.
Lauren: If I had been a really pretty teenager, I would be absolutely vapid now.
Me: If I had been pretty growing up, my status updates would be terrible: “I love the bachelorette lol”

To a friend:
One day I am going to die and it is going to be because of you saying things like,
“So Sookeh disappears for a year and everyone thinks she’s dead? Why? Just ’cause she was gone? Does anybody give a damn where Tara was? She was raped by an anorexic vampire and forced to dress like hooker Harriet Tubman. Nobody cares. Fucking Bon Temps, man.”

Stop trying to asphyxiate an asthmatic, Bassey!
All in a day’s work. 🙂